I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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