Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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