I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
