I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
