i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I fill condoms, not promises.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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