I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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