I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
she peed on how many people?
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize