woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
