On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
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