im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
