I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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