nut hugger
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
