I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
He's on the porch naked. Help.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
