she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
And then my night got REAL pukey
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
