Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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