I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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