This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
