I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
My bed smells like the plague
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
