you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize