just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
