i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
