Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize