i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I'm getting married
To pizza
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
