I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I can feel your judgement through the phone
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
