yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
