Dude my mom stole all your condoms
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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