You made me cry and you don't even care
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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