Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
