On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
