He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize