You made me cry and you don't even care
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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