Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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