Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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