I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
