I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
