wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
