Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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