Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
