I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
