No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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