There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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