I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
We don't watch enough power rangers
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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