Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize