1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I don't think brook has ever known best
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
