If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
