explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize