Christians are straight up FREAKS
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
The struggles of a small town man whore
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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