God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
