And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
