what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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