I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize