Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Randomize
