M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Randomize
