Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
