I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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