I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
