please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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