I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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