does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I need a beard to bite.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
