Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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