Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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