Just mADE A PArabola og urine
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
