Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
