No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
