There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize