dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Randomize
