I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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