It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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