I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize